it's loud when it's quiet

ive always been scared of listening to whats going on in my head.

first off, i am SO thankful that my job takes a break between christmas and the new year. ive been getting a "christmas break" since 2015 - just like school. this time has allowed me to do so many things - spend time with family and friends, purge my life ala marie kondo, travel, rest, read, and so many other things.

Kyoto, Japan - APR2019
found this photo in my phone when i was backing it up.
aka. distraction number 5
this year, i didnt plan anything. i just wanted to free up my calendar so i can say yes to me even if it means saying no to other things.

we are more than halfway through the break and ive only managed to do the things i wanted to do - family time, clean, catch up on netflix, finish up a project, back up my phone, learn something new. to others the two lists might look the same. i admit, they do sound similar, but the feel different.
there was no schedule, no pressure, no list. i just did the things i wanted to do when i wanted to do them.

this is a good a bad thing.
this meant that i had A LOT of time with myself and my thoughts. some days i was really good at distracting myself from listening to myself. some days, not so much.

today was one of those days. hence, me being here. welcome to my brain.

i cannot count the times ive said "im not creative." however, i know that for each time i said that in front of another person they would "call me on my bullshit."
i know my definition of creativity is SUPER limiting. or is it that the creative people i see are just so massively so that any morsel of creativity i have just pales in comparison. i know its not right to think that. but i also know that its hard to stop.

i have tried so many things in the past to force creativity - new gear, new blog, new book, new challenge. in fact, this is a result of a combination of a few of those attempts. but maybe thats where im going wrong, im forcing it. im just so afraid that if there is nothing to hold me accountable, i wont do it. but maybe thats OK.

heres to allowing myself to be more creative - whatever that means.

i took this photo when i traded my old camera in.
i was a little sad to have let it go and it made the bag feel heavier than it actually is.
i know new gear doesnt necessarily promise creativity, but allow me this one assumption.

cycles

i like to believe that most days, i'm strong.
i am able to let go and move on.
today, i wonder if i actually am.

maybe i'm not
maybe i'm lying to myself
maybe i just push things away
and choose to forget

what if i have no choice
what if i'm only able to push aside
only for it to come crashing back
when i'm not expecting it

one moment i'm disappointed
at how people can easily dismiss
the next i'm asking myself
is it ok for me to be so

and then it begins
doubt, worry, fear
why me, why not me
"what is wrong with me"

i wish i knew the answers
i wish i knew how to move on
but really its just cycles

feels like home

new year.
new domain.
same feeling.

ive said it before - "i always find myself coming back here."

its like talking to an old friend who knows everything about me. no need to explain, no backstory needed. i just verbal diarrhea anything and everything thats on my mind. i always feel like i need to share it, but other places just didnt feel right. but this, this feels like home.

lots of things happened between the last time i was here and now.

most recently, really trying situations.

i felt it coming. my body was getting tired and my mind not too far behind. i didnt feel present. i didnt feel awake. it was routine that i had little control over and had no joy. but i ignored it.

i shouldve known better.

i had the most intense dream about my immediate and extended family last night - the longest and most detailed ive had in a while. when i shared this with my family, my dad said, "you know, that tells me that the time you gave yourself yesterday allowed your brain to reset. thats good."

i dont know if thats accurate but just hearing that made me feel better.

today, i feel like im in a much better place. i consciously made decisions today that made me feel like i was actively using my brain.

trying to catch up to 100 days of SwiftUI today

again, i dont know why im saying this out loud here. maybe its present me wanting to tell something to future me.

maybe its also a bit of past me trying to remind present me that everything is relative. what i feel now is temporary. there is more to it than right now. i may not FEEL like i can move away from this right now, but even the little things can help me shift.

i cant wait to let much older me read through all of this.

what are you like?
did you come back here because youre having a hard time too?
or are you so overwhelmed with happiness that you wanted to say it out loud?
i hope this helped you find what youre looking for.

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