it's loud when it's quiet

ive always been scared of listening to whats going on in my head.

first off, i am SO thankful that my job takes a break between christmas and the new year. ive been getting a "christmas break" since 2015 - just like school. this time has allowed me to do so many things - spend time with family and friends, purge my life ala marie kondo, travel, rest, read, and so many other things.

Kyoto, Japan - APR2019
found this photo in my phone when i was backing it up.
aka. distraction number 5

this year, i didnt plan anything. i just wanted to free up my calendar so i can say yes to me even if it means saying no to other things.

we are more than halfway through the break and ive only managed to do the things i wanted to do - family time, clean, catch up on netflix, finish up a project, back up my phone, learn something new. to others the two lists might look the same. i admit, they do sound similar, but the feel different.
there was no schedule, no pressure, no list. i just did the things i wanted to do when i wanted to do them.

this is a good a bad thing.
this meant that i had A LOT of time with myself and my thoughts. some days i was really good at distracting myself from listening to myself. some days, not so much.

today was one of those days. hence, me being here. welcome to my brain.

i cannot count the times ive said "im not creative." however, i know that for each time i said that in front of another person they would "call me on my bullshit."
i know my definition of creativity is SUPER limiting. or is it that the creative people i see are just so massively so that any morsel of creativity i have just pales in comparison. i know its not right to think that. but i also know that its hard to stop.

i have tried so many things in the past to force creativity - new gear, new blog, new book, new challenge. in fact, this is a result of a combination of a few of those attempts. but maybe thats where im going wrong, im forcing it. im just so afraid that if there is nothing to hold me accountable, i wont do it. but maybe thats OK.

heres to allowing myself to be more creative - whatever that means.

i took this photo when i traded my old camera in.
i was a little sad to have let it go and it made the bag feel heavier than it actually is.
i know new gear doesnt necessarily promise creativity, but allow me this one assumption.