it wasnt easy


i had an entry this year where i talked about creativity and how i wish had more of it in my life. a couple of years ago i was speaking with a woman at work - someone who is very creative and crafty from my point of view. we got to talking about what she has created and some of her projects. one of them was taking a photo everyday. - Project365, Photo A Day, A Year in Photos, etc.

ive heard about this many times but was never drawn to it. probably because i always thought that this worked better as a photo + blog combo and i just didnt want to commit to that. i mean look at this blog - three entries in 2017. nice. 

i dont know what happened but some force came over me and i suddenly wanted to make it happen. i knew that i had to make it sustainable for me so i needed to find a way to make it easy and i had to do it right away before the inspiration, drive to prove something, or whatever it was evaporated. the answers:
  • Instagram
  • Do it now - dont wait for the new year, dont wait for the beginning of the month, DO IT NOW.
so i did just that. i created a new instagram account on a saturday and had my first photo up by sunday - August 14, 2016.


for those of you who know their DiSC Profile, i am a CI-Practitioner with a relatively flat graph and all letters falling in or very close to the blue bar. i took the test for this at work but a quick Google search will give you a few free tests. i havent done any of the free ones so im hesitant to recommend one.

for those of you who know their Myers-Briggs Type, i am an ISTJ-T, Logistician. everyone and their their dogs seemed to know their type so i figured i should do it too. ive been listening to Selfie Podcast and they recommended 16 Personalities.

did i just go off topic? maybe. but i thought those asides would be helpful to understand why it was very difficult for me to start my Project365 (this is the name variation i have decided to adopt for my version) on a rando day and to "cheat" - using my phone vs. my big camera, using instagram vs. using this platform, etc. but i figured this is better than nothing, this is better than overthinking it by trying to cling on to all all the rules while making sure i stick to it and being paralyzed by all the decisions i had to make perfectly. 

theoretically, it sounded easy - one photo a day, minimal caption, done. i also like taking photos and believe that im kinda decent at it (when i really try). this was the perfect solution to both my "i need to me more creative" and "i should really practice taking photos" problems. but just as the title says, it wasnt easy. the first week went well. i posted everyday, i posted early, and i really thought about what to post. 

but then life happened. sometimes, actually, a lot of the times, i forgot. either because i was busy at work or i did absolutely nothing that day. i learned that i should make time for when im busy and i should find something to do or something interesting in the mundane when im not. it got better, but it still wasnt perfect. i still missed some days like when i got really sick last year - i think it was the flu. i learned that first all, i am not immune to sickness. i rarely get sick, but when i do - OH BOY. this year, i still got sick. but i was only out for two days and not five - yas. improvement. the other thing that i learned was that sometimes, i just had to let go - i cant control everything. sometimes, i just have to be okay with not being okay all the time. sometimes, some things are more important. 

honestly, i didnt think that i would learn this much by doing this project. at most, it would be a great way for me to practice taking photos and remember the events of an entire year. photos are easy memory triggers for me and having a photo for each day of one year has helped me remember so much - enough to be able to write about it here. 

here are some of my memory triggers

all 365 photos are in my 0kae365 instagram account. i dont plan on shutting it down (for now) - i still like to go through them every now and then. i definitely have favourites but for different reasons - i tried a new technique, the event or activity behind the photo, or simply because the photo turned out nice.

thanks to that one conversation, i was inspired to make it happen. im glad i did it but im also glad it ended when it did. this was a great start and i would like to try something new now.

unacceptable

disclaimer: this is longer and more detailed than my usual ways. i'm in a story-telling mood apparently so consider yourself warned

TL;DR: when trusted establishments, who pride themselves with top-notch quality and service, let you down, it feels heavier than i would like to admit. and while apologies are appreciated, it does not undo what had happened.
disappointment is harder for me to let go than anger. and this week i was disappointed not once, but twice.

---

it's one thing to be let down by regular places.
but when you're let down by places who claim to be superior, it's somehow more upsetting.

am i alone in this or is this expected behaviour?

this past week, places i trusted sort of let me down.
[trigger warning: incoming - first world problem stories]

earlier this week, i had a goal. i was determined to hit up two boutiques and purchase 3 items.

first boutique.
walked in and made a bee-line for the shoes. found the slippers i wanted, requested for my size, and nodded yes with satisfaction. DONE
took a few steps to the accessories and described what i wanted, not telling the gentleman helping me that i actually had something specific in mind. (why? i don't know exactly. maybe i was testing him? maybe i didn't want to be judged? i really don't know. my brain can't explain.) amazingly, he pulled out the exact style i wanted and even the design i had been eyeing. "it's so meant to be," i thought to myself.
second item: DONE and it only took me 10 minutes to decide. miracles every where.

he processed my card and disappeared in the back to pack up my stuff. he emerged with a bag and said, "let me walk you to the door." we did and bid each other goodbye.

i was satisfied with the experience but i had a nagging feeling that i should open the bag.
i didn't and just went straight to the second boutique - i was on a mission.

second boutique. 
i knew the main boutique was closed for renovation. already a bad omen. i went to the department store pop-up and hunted for my prey. it wasn't in plain sight and i knew i might not get what i wanted. i went for another lap and still did not see anything so i had to ask. "it will be released in july," the helpful lady said. "oh," i said, sounding more disappointed than i cared to let her know. "give us a call and we will hold one for you," she offered.

i let out a bit of a sigh but i was already holding a bag. "2 out of 3 isn't bad," i told myself.

still, i had a feeling that i should take a peek in the bag. not the feeling of excitement but the feeling of anxiety. but i didn't listen to my gut. instead i filled it with food and drinks. dinner and stories with friends were had and before i knew it, it was the end of the day.

finally alone and done with the day, i opened up the bag.
first, the small box. "um, wait a minute. this is not the right one." slightly disappointed and burdened by the thought of having to go back to make the exchange. i reached into the bag to fish for the receipt but i came up with nothing.
"maybe it's in the shoebox." nope.
"maybe they emailed it to me," i thought optimistically even though i distinctly remembered the gentleman asking if i wanted my receipt in the bag. no email.
so i have the wrong item with no receipt to exchange it with. great.

i called the next day to explain and let them know i will be dropping by to get it sorted. they were more than happy to help me.
BUT.
the item i wanted was gone - everywhere. even the one they had showed me yesterday was sold.
nice.
"i'm so sorry. i was doing.... you know what, no excuses this was unacceptable."
they did their best to find one, but it's just gone.
"i will return the wrong item and keep a credit for you and pre-purchase it as soon as it comes back so you're guaranteed yours."
my heart sank. it was the one i wanted the most. it was right there in front of me, and now it's gone.
i walked away, defeated. it was not meant to be after all.

later this week, i had an appointment. not just any appointment but one that i had booked months ago. i have been going to this place for years because they always treated me well and i was always satisfied with their work.

i came in on time, in a great mood, and ready to feel even better. then bad news came. "i'm sorry. when they booked you in, they had forgotten to factor something in and we will only be able to do one thing of the three you requested." 
doesn't that sound familiar.

fine. ok. sure. no problem - one of three is still not bad.

problem: one out of three was taking way longer than i expected. i was the first one in, other people had come and gone and i was still there. i had to stop her and tell her, "i'm sorry, you have to stop because i need to leave." 
everyone felt bad for all the miscommunication and wanted to help me as much as possible, giving me options here and there. "no i'm sorry. i can't. i just really need to go now. i will call you to schedule the other 2 things."

i called, apologies and discounts were offered. nice but what i wanted to know was how i can avoid this again next time. i thought i did everything i could to ensure everything i wanted was accounted for and the timing was right. "you did, it was our mistake and our miscommunication." 
OK, fine. what do i need to say next time so that this does not happen again. "from what i know i have a note on my file about how long these procedures take," i added, slowly feeling anger bubble up.
"you're right, there is a note. we don't know why it was missed or ignored. and i'm so sorry but the earliest we can get you in is july 20th." so 2 months later. right.
that was it. i was done. "fine, book it. but i will be calling if i need to cancel." i'm definitely going to cancel as soon as i find a new place.

something that was supposed to be celebrated and enjoyed was not because of the miscommunication. what bothers me the most is that now, i will have to say goodbye to them after trusting them for years. it took me a long time to find and trust them and just when i was getting to where i wanted, they had let me down. i have to start from scratch with someone new.

i'm not one to make a scene at establishments - i know what it's like to be on the other end of a complaint. so in both situations, i had just walked away. i know they're sorry. as sorry as they can be and as much as their job would allow for them to be. but i couldn't shake the feeling that everything could have been avoided if things were done right in the first place. and i just could not let go of the feeling of disappointment which is, to me, heavier than anger.

urges

source: i Googled it
i visited indigo several times this month. it doesn't matter what my original intentions are, i always visit the stationary section. sometimes i just look around. but most of the time, i buy something. whether i need or not is irrelevant. the one thing i have never been able to justify is buying a beautiful sketchbook.

i feel like it would be such a waste on me. my reasoning: "i'm not creative enough." i know i'm not using that word properly because every time i think creative, i think, art. when i think art, i think, drawing. allow me to be wrong with my definition this one time. 

i can't draw. i can take photos and post them with text. but drawing, nah. won't it be such a waste to just write on a sketchbook. i mean my writing is not even the trendy calligraphy type. it's just, all caps. very boxy and clinical. so no sketchbooks for me. 

let's be real
who would want tutorials from this mess
a few people told me that i should start vlogging. um. excuse me, but what? are you serious?
"omg you can totally do make-up and hair tutorials."
right. like we don't have enough of those already. 

1. i can barely stand the sound of my own voice. if i vlog it would be non-speaking videos. like all my videos on instagram. who wants that?

2. i have zero personality for vlogs. sure i like to make faces and sass people in real life but i don't think i would like that to forever be on the internet. which brings me to...

3. i am too self-conscious for videos. add this to the fact that i'm a bit of a perfectionist and it will take 500 years to film, edit and post one video. 

i have so much respect for people who make a living off of YouTube. that's a lot of hard work. also, to have so many subscribers, to have so many people interested in whatever you post and, to have so many strangers know your business is nuts - the good kind. 

why am i even writing about this. i don't know. maybe mostly because i only watch YouTube and Netflix these days and YouTubers continue to amaze me. i'm jealous of their personalities, creativity and, most of all, their courage. 

just to say that i tried before saying no completely. i posted a speaking video on my instagram story today. it was painful to say the least. 

oh hey look at that
it didn't take me forever and a half to post something new

stuck

i always find myself coming back here

mostly when i'm trying to articulate something but struggling to say it out loud
weird that i choose to say it out loud on the internet - the most un-private platform. for some reason, it feels like no one can find me here. which is also weird because i don't keep this place a secret. i think its because no one has come up to talk to me about it.
i'm writing in secret
you're reading in secret
works for me

another place i always go back to
also, snow is only nice when it's falling and untouched

getting this back up and running got my mind off what i've been obsessing about for a couple of days now. those who know me well know that this is a long time for me to stew on something. usually, i go on research overdrive, find out everything that i can, figure out all the details, and finalize everything. that whole process usually takes a day or two.

i guess part of it is just that i don't care most of the time. i want something - i get it, i do it. it's very hard for me to convince myself out of something so i don't even try. sometimes, it's a happy ending. sometimes, i have minor regrets. but it was all about the instant gratification - i wanted it and now i have it, i've done it. the rest is just a by-product.

i don't know what changed, or if anything changed at all. but i can't seem to do that right now. my "i don't care" button is broken. or maybe it got some advanced features that stops me for pushing for everything.

this started off being about something in particular, but sitting here, writing all of this down, i realize that i've developed this reflex for a lot of things. i guess i started caring about certain things, certain people, certain outcomes.

now that i've said what i wanted, kind of, i've run out of thoughts.
typical.

see you again soon.
or in another two years.
HA

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