i always find myself coming back here

mostly when i'm trying to articulate something but struggling to say it out loud
weird that i choose to say it out loud on the internet - the most un-private platform. for some reason, it feels like no one can find me here. which is also weird because i don't keep this place a secret. i think its because no one has come up to talk to me about it.
i'm writing in secret
you're reading in secret
works for me

another place i always go back to
also, snow is only nice when it's falling and untouched

getting this back up and running got my mind off what i've been obsessing about for a couple of days now. those who know me well know that this is a long time for me to stew on something. usually, i go on research overdrive, find out everything that i can, figure out all the details, and finalize everything. that whole process usually takes a day or two.

i guess part of it is just that i don't care most of the time. i want something - i get it, i do it. it's very hard for me to convince myself out of something so i don't even try. sometimes, it's a happy ending. sometimes, i have minor regrets. but it was all about the instant gratification - i wanted it and now i have it, i've done it. the rest is just a by-product.

i don't know what changed, or if anything changed at all. but i can't seem to do that right now. my "i don't care" button is broken. or maybe it got some advanced features that stops me for pushing for everything.

this started off being about something in particular, but sitting here, writing all of this down, i realize that i've developed this reflex for a lot of things. i guess i started caring about certain things, certain people, certain outcomes.

now that i've said what i wanted, kind of, i've run out of thoughts.

see you again soon.
or in another two years.

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