its been difficult lately.

and whats making it more difficult is that i dont know exactly why.

im not asking for much.

im not asking for anything actually.

because thats just it,

i dont want to have to ask

im a proud person

its one of the many flaws in my design.

its something ive tried to control

some days, it works. some days, are today.

theres this feeling,

i dont know what it is.

all of a sudden im back in preschool

alone and angry

why do i have to be here, alone.

how come the other kids are gone

whos coming to get me

when are they coming to get me.

the feeling,

its somewhere in there.

rising up to my throat

choking me.

i dont like it.

i like being in control

and right now,

im most definitely not.

ive tried to distract myself

ive tried to focus on other things.

ive tried to ignore it

it works and it doesnt.

the only thing left to do is to face it

but how do you face something that is faceless

something you cant name

something you cant figure out.

i thought i was done with this.

i thought it was over

a long time ago

but theres always something

something new

spring cleansing

super productive day yesterday!

the zipper on my winter jacket broke a couple of weeks ago. ive been meaning to get it fixed but have been ultra lazy to bring it to the tailor recommended by the manufacturer. ive also been meaning to get the handles on my purse repaired, but surprise surprise, ultra lazy yet again.

but in the spirit of spring cleaning my friend and i decided to make a day out of my errands and added some exploration. first thing was to drop off the jacket at the tailors then the purse at the store. both the tailor and the associates were very helpful. they knew the product and knew exactly what i wanted. all i have to do now is wait 4-6 weeks for them to come back home.

after all the major errands were done we stopped for coffee (no coffee for me though as per the food restrictions i mentioned previously) and spotted one of Prairie Girl Bakery's locations. now, i was SUPER excited because i know for a fact that they always have vegan cupcakes on hand.

Prairie Girl's vegan red velvet cupcake

cupcake success! i havent had pastries since my dairy restriction so this is an awesome awesome treat. i couldve ended my day right there but there was lots more to explore.

we turned the corner to grab some lunch at Trattoria Nervosa. to be honest i thought i was going to have a hard time finding something to eat but to my surprise there is a bunch of stuff i could have. i finally decided on their caesar salad with egg-less dressing and added grilled chicken. it was a very beautiful plate and yummy meal. i really wish i took a photo but as always, when my food comes, i forget everything else and just scarf it down right away.

we were on our way to Moroco Chocolat but we got a bit distracted because we spotted The Good Press. definitely had to go in and grab something to go.

the smoothies pictured at the top of this post (omega berry and blue banana) and chocolate milk were the spoils of the day. such friendly people and amazing juices (great for cleansing) and smoothies. ps. all their "milks" are non-dairy. another win for me!

made with activated cashew, b-grade maple syrup,
dates, pure vanilla extract, chocosol cacao powder

after the smoothie break, we resumed our mission to Moroco for some macarons. we really should have gone the day before - Macaron Day. this was the first time i walked into Moroco and came out with nothing - very sad day. but i did recommend some of my favourites to my friend. i can have macarons vicariously through him.

after doing everything we had and wanted to in Yorkvile, we Uber-ed our way down to Muji. ive heard so much about the Muji pens and just Muji in general so since we were close by we decided to check it out. overall, it was very generic, true to the name of the store. its like a muted IKEA. so if you need something practical and minimal in your home, this is the place to go. i will give it to their pens though (100% fully stocked, which apparently is a rarity). very smooth and clean. so i picked up a few and a small acrylic storage.

after Muji we Uber-ed it to Baldwin for dinner at Kuni. met some new people, binged on some sushi and compared festival notes.

we accomplished all we wanted to do and more yesterday. i couldnt have been happier with everything that we discovered during our mini exploration. it was so relaxed and we just popped into any place we felt like going. its been a while since ive walked around outside and just went with it. im glad spring is here. it a bit cold again today (feels like -18C) but the sun is shining and the snow is melting.

im gonna go enjoy the last bits of my weekend under the covers, watching youtube videos and snacking on my cupcake and milk.

its official!

actually, i forgot. i was pleasantly surprised while i was scanning instagram earlier.
its kind of fitting that i dropped by one of Terras greenhouses today and picked up the cuties pictured above.

it was a total fluke. i was driving home from a doctors feeling a little bummed [+]. terra came up to view, and actually passed. i decided, i should definitely go and check if they have cacti. pulled a u-bomb and walked in.

theyre super helpful and friendly at terra. i had absolutely no idea what i was doing. all i knew was i wanted a cactus - or two. i was already eyeing two and someone came up to me to help me pick up a pot. it was technically not for sale as a pot only but as a set but they gave it to me anyway for much, much cheaper. so off i went my merry way home to re-pot my plant!

i was going to document a step-by-step process but i really got into it. the sun was shining and a mild wind was blowing. it really was a great start to spring. 

kinda looks like theyre soaking in a tub

[+] so i mentioned above that i went to my doctors today - naturopath and family doctor. this is my second attempt at trying to draw blood to run tests related to possible food allergies. they tried four times a few weeks ago and all four times, nothing except for four collapsed veins. so for todays appointment i made sure that i was hydrated. i was sure that they will be able to get at least the two vials they needed. five attempts later, no blood, just more collapsed veins. this is the first time this has ever happened to me. i can usually fill a few vials no problem. 

the doctor decided to give up for now and have the hospital draw blood for the other tests. if that fails too, then there must be something wrong. 

for now, ill just continue to avoid certain foods and hope that we can get some blood (and answers) later. 

but no ones laughing

memory is a funny thing

its funny how i can remember when and where and why i took this photo. i can remember almost everything that happened that day - almost two and half years ago. but i cant seem to remember if i took my medication this morning.

people have told me that my memory is amazing. 

i disagree.

yes, i can remember conversations from high school and university - it was long time ago. trust me.

sure, i can memorize a lot of things word for word without breaking a sweat. 

its true that the most common response i get when i say, "remember when... ?" is "uh, no. when did i say that? when did i do that?"

but these memories, theyre selectively chosen. i dont know how my brain sorts out these information but somehow some things are tucked away in a corner of my brain and seem to have made permanent residence there. 

its wonderful to remember a lot of things but the difficult part is when you vividly see things that you would much rather forget. or be the only one who remembers promises - they carry no weight. 

i dont know if memories are supposed to be shared or cherished alone

i dont know if memories mean any less if youre the only one who remembers them

i dont know if memories should be this fresh when much time has passed

all i know is, 

its a funny, funny thing.