feels like home

new year.
new domain.
same feeling.

ive said it before - "i always find myself coming back here."

its like talking to an old friend who knows everything about me. no need to explain, no backstory needed. i just verbal diarrhea anything and everything thats on my mind. i always feel like i need to share it, but other places just didnt feel right. but this, this feels like home.

lots of things happened between the last time i was here and now.

most recently, really trying situations.

i felt it coming. my body was getting tired and my mind not too far behind. i didnt feel present. i didnt feel awake. it was routine that i had little control over and had no joy. but i ignored it.

i shouldve known better.

i had the most intense dream about my immediate and extended family last night - the longest and most detailed ive had in a while. when i shared this with my family, my dad said, "you know, that tells me that the time you gave yourself yesterday allowed your brain to reset. thats good."

i dont know if thats accurate but just hearing that made me feel better.

today, i feel like im in a much better place. i consciously made decisions today that made me feel like i was actively using my brain.

trying to catch up to 100 days of SwiftUI today

again, i dont know why im saying this out loud here. maybe its present me wanting to tell something to future me.

maybe its also a bit of past me trying to remind present me that everything is relative. what i feel now is temporary. there is more to it than right now. i may not FEEL like i can move away from this right now, but even the little things can help me shift.

i cant wait to let much older me read through all of this.

what are you like?

did you come back here because youre having a hard time too?

or are you so overwhelmed with happiness that you wanted to say it out loud?

i hope this helped you find what youre looking for.

but we said goodbye

this is the second night i dreamt of you. 

the other night your sister wanted to kill me with a freshly sharpened no.2 pencil. she was running after me. she chased me all the way to the second floor hallway with her menacing pencil. finally i stopped and turned around, grabbed the pencil from her grips and killed her. i stood there, watching her bleed. she didnt say anything. i didnt say anything. i just thought, "i always had a feeling that she didnt like me much. maybe because of that one time that i was obnoxiously shy and stubborn and would not speak. when she asked me if im mute and i said yes." it felt like i was watching a movie and it was only when it was over that i finally woke up. 

last night i screwed up your "date". we were part of some sort of sports competition. you were supposed to meet up with her and give her the jersey she was supposed to wear. i dont remember if youre forgetful or not but in my dream you were. so you laid it out on the bed with a note attached, "dont forget to give this to her." i knew "her" meant her and not me. i knew that that jersey was once yours - it had your number on it. as i stared at the jersey and your handwritten note, everyone else started piling their luggage on the bed. one on top of the other, burying the jersey. i knew i shouldve stopped them. but i knew that if you went and met with her, it would break my heart. so i forgot that i knew the former. i felt bad so i avoided you. i watched from afar as you fell asleep. i walked out and sat on the dock. you woke up and realized it was too late to see her. i hung my head, ashamed of what ive allowed to happen. i knew that somehow you knew, so i was waiting for you to come and confront me. but you came and just sat beside me, looking out into the same ocean, our shoulders touching. 

most of the time when i dream about you i have this lingering happiness when i wake up. to see you once more after what feels like an entire lifetime. thing morning when i woke up, i knew that i had dreamt about you again, but there was a heaviness in my heart. i think im finally starting to realize that i can see you, touch you, smell you, feel you, love you only in my dreams.