pushing papers

i had a moment at work today.

i had to fight off the urge to sigh deeply, complain, yell, pull my hair, and cry.

what am i doing?

really. 

i thought this would be okay. me, coming in at 9am, sitting in front of the computer, packing up at five, and then doing what i really wanted to do afterwards. at least that was the idea. 

recently ive been too worn out that i just want to pack up and go home. 

i envy the people who share photos of their vacations and adventures all over the world. i envy the people who post beautiful photos they took time to take. 

i want to go on vacations. i want to have adventures. i want to take beautiful photos. 

and i can. and i should. 

but im a coward.

im too afraid to make decisions. i dont want to be accountable. 

and im lazy.

breaking the routine is just too much work. 

no one is stopping me but me. 

and thats the crappiest place i could possibly put myself in.

i think im gonna go back to school.

but this time, im going for me.